Yes I am divorced and not looking to mate – I just want to make my life, is that bad?
I do not go out, I do not want to meet anyone, I do not want to have a relationship. I have been divorced for 10 years and I have not looked at a man, because I simply do not want to. Some efforts have been made but in recent years I am alone and so I will continue to be. I’m fine like that. Do I bother anyone?
Whenever it comes to divorce, the following view seems to prevail: If you are divorced, you should definitely get married immediately. That your life is half if you do not find someone who will sleep every night and wake up in the morning. To this day, many still tell me “It’s not good to be alone” and my favorite “You and the kids need a man at home!”.
I need a job. I need help, I need time to catch it all, yes. But man my love, thank you I do not need! I do not intend to sacrifice this freedom for anyone. It was the greatest gift that divorce has given me and it took me a long time to discover how important it was and to appreciate it.
But even more important was another gift: I learned what it is like to be yourself.
Do not misunderstand me when I talk about concepts such as freedom and loneliness after a divorce. I have little time left to be alone. With four children, a lively dog and many amazing friends, I am not happy about my loneliness. After all, with so much company I have I could be out every night and party if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. I prefer to hang out with myself than with anyone else.
Before the divorce I had never lived alone. I lived with my parents, with roommates when I worked abroad and then with a friend who became my husband. From a technical point of view, even now I do not live alone because of the children, just now for the first time in my adult life I am alone – free I mean – and I am not looking.
Maybe I’m trying to protect myself because when my ex left us and left, he brought upside down in my life and made me not want to relate to anyone no matter how many years pass. The damage he did to me was great, but not permanent. It’s not that I do not trust men or I am afraid because I am vulnerable, I just feel very insecure at the moment. When you fail once in your marriage you are afraid to try again. I’m afraid to invest another 15 years of my life in someone who will hurt me again.
I learned to enjoy the company I make with myself and as long as I think about it I do it well as this lays some very good foundations for any future relationship. I personally believe that it takes a lot of courage to face your loneliness. Some days I am brave and I learn to overcome the obstacles of life, something that I think all women should know how to do.
My choice to stay away from any relationship with the opposite sex is conscious and by no means do I blame those women who found a new love before their divorce came to an end. The choice is personal and everyone has their own defense mechanisms and their own ways to recover and continue living. Sometimes I do not hide from you that I envy these women. I see them with their new friends or their spouses and I remember all those nice things you can do when you have someone by your side. The companionship, the love, the warmth, the hand that hugs you and warms you when it is cold, the security that you feel when you have a reliable person next to you, even if he snores at night.
But then I see those who made a series of failed relationships and who are still looking to find that one, the only one and who do not give up until they find him. Some of these relationships have been introduced to their children, they have been brought to parties, events, gatherings and then one day they appear alone or with someone new. I have been comforted by many of my friends when they realized that the one they had was not the ideal one, but one of many. They are determined to achieve their goal and I congratulate them on that, but I wonder: do they do it because they really want to be with someone or because they feel that this is how they should do it?
One night I was talking to a very good friend of mine who also entered the club of the free but due to widowhood. I started talking to her about this and she told me the following: “People around me started asking me if I would have a new relationship a week after my husband’s death. The reason; I took off the wedding ring for a few days because we were moving and I had to lift a lot of heavy objects and the wedding ring was blocking me. I immediately noticed the raised eyebrows and the comments. “Gossip was coming and going.” Then she raised her hand and showed me her children who were in the kitchen with my children playing. “Do you see these people there?” That’s where I focus now. “Men can wait.”
This friend of mine and I were in the same position for different reasons, but we both have the same opinion. A new love is something we both want but not yet. When you are a parent and you are alone there will be people in your life who will insist that you owe it to yourself to be with someone or you owe it to your children to show them what it is like to have a healthy relationship.
The only thing you owe to yourself and your children is to become the best version of yourself whether that means having a relationship or being alone. Do what you feel is best for yourself. There is no rule that says a single mom must be looking for or in a relationship to have an active sex life. He can have it without being in a relationship.
You will find the love of your life when you are not looking for it and when you find it it will shake you constantly. I have not taken any oath that I will abstain from a life of men, relationships and marriages are just not my priority right now. I can meet him outside the supermarket or in the popular or on some dating sites that I look here and there. Maybe not.
Anyway I’m fine as I am now and well should be anyone who does the same.
Source: διαφορετικό by www.diaforetiko.gr.
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