What men need to know to give women what they want

It’s fair to say that women’s bodies are quite a bit less direct than men’s. The functioning of our genitalia and sexual system – unlike a man’s highly visible set of penises and testicles – is not so obvious, and historically there has been a lot of misinformation and myths that unfortunately still exist, says renowned sex educator, Tracy Cox.

Fortunately, the up-to-date knowledge that comes from scientific techniques such as scanning is now entering the mainstream and everyone – men and women alike – can better understand the wonderful ways in which the female body experiences arousal and fulfillment.

However, it is not only the physical aspect that is complex. Men often find it difficult to deal with a woman’s libido as well.

The problem is that for many women, sexual confidence and desire are negatively impacted by a society that piles on the unholy trinity of self-consciousness, self-doubt and self-blame, as well as body dysmorphia (a distorted view of how your body looks leading to a loss of body confidence ).

In addition, hormonal fluctuations can play a role in raising and lowering a woman’s desire during the monthly cycle. So, all in all, what’s going on in a woman’s head while you’re in bed together may seem confusing, but it’s just as important as what’s going on in her private parts. So doing your part to help her feel happy, confident, and turned on will result in a much better time for both of you.

In order to give her what she wants and needs, there’s a lot you need to know (sorry!), so let’s start with her body.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT… HER BODY

The clitoris is the only organ of the human body that is designed specifically and exclusively for pleasure. It has more nerve endings per square inch than any other part of the human anatomy, and two to four times more than the head of the penis. Happy women!

However, the clitoris is not just that small pea-sized part of her labia that you can see. That’s just the tip of the iceberg (albeit a very sensitive tip) and there’s actually a lot more clitoral organ inside her body, wrapped around her vagina.

The internal organ of the clitoris is pretty much the same shape as a bird with its wings spread. Those wings are about two to three and a half inches long and move inside her, on either side of her vagina, pointing in the direction of her bottom. They’re made of erectile tissue, which means they fill with blood, just like your penis does when it’s excited. Moreover, there are clitoral bulbs of erectile tissue under the inner lips of her vaginal lips.

This is all extremely good news.

This means that instead of one small area, there are many that you can stimulate – directly or indirectly – to excite her. Read on!

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT… HER ORGASM

There is a lot of talk about how difficult it is for women to orgasm, but the fact is that many of us (myself included) can achieve it in less than five minutes. Even Kinsey, all those years ago, knew that the average woman only needed four minutes to masturbate to orgasm.

When a woman masturbates, she is relaxed and knows how to stimulate herself optimally. With a lover who has learned skill and sensitivity, female orgasm is just as easy to achieve as male orgasm.

When it comes to getting her to orgasm, you have to accept what will work and what won’t. You may have grown up believing that the correct technique is to push your penis in and out of her vagina. It’s not. That organ of the clitoris that we talked about earlier needs to be involved, whether it’s direct stimulation of the outer head of the clitoris, through indirect stimulation of the hidden part, or through cunning manipulation of her anterior vaginal wall (home of the G-spot).

So what is the easiest way to make this happen and for a woman to have an orgasm?

Research on more than 500 women showed that after masturbation, the next most reliable method is oral sex. And after that, it’s clitoral stimulation with fingers or vibration during penetrative sex.

So it’s not a matter of a few random rubs and pulls, but rather practiced, focused methods that require knowledge of how a woman’s body works along with what it specifically does for her.

Using your tongue, fingers and pelvis – or a vibrator – in very specific, woman-friendly maneuvers is the way to go. Good technique can be learned and practiced: search our site for previous posts to teach you, using the search terms “oral sex”, “clitoris”, “G-spot” and “handjob”.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT… TO HELP HER STOP FEELING THAT SHE NEEDS TO FAKE ORGASM

Have you ever wondered why women sometimes fake an orgasm? (And yes, one of your partners will, and no, you probably couldn’t break in.) That’s because she’s worried that it will be a problem for you if she doesn’t orgasm. And that worry turns into a stumbling block that actually stops her orgasm. So she fakes it to try to fix things. Crazy, huh?

So here’s the best way to help her relax and guarantee no more fake orgasms: make it clear that it won’t be a problem if she doesn’t have an orgasm.

But not in a “I know it’s really hard for women… so let’s not even try” kind of way. Do it in a “I’m going to give you a lot of pleasure, and whether you orgasm or not, it’s all good” way.

Give us a lot of (good) oral sex that lasts for a while. Touch us skillfully with (greased) fingers. Show how comfortable you are with yourself by suggesting using a vibrator during sex.

Then shut up. There’s nothing worse than being on the edge, only to have your man jump back in anticipation and ask, “Did you cum?”