Parents are mostly bune. They say, “Well, I don’t have ‘poor’ grades.” Or something similar.
Of course, working with a child is also necessary. But it is very important for parents to understand the importance of parental figures for the child’s development.
At the beginning of life, a child needs all the support of this world to survive. He is completely helpless and could not survive on his own.
Through a symbiotic relationship with the mother, she also builds psychological dependence. During development, gradual independence begins. The father enters the child’s life, then the wider primary family, later the wider environment – family, teachers, other children, and in adolescence, the company of peers gained the greatest importance. In the period of adolescence, the process of independence begins and ends somewhere. Later relationships with other people are mostly relationships between two separate persons, there is no longer that “complementing” oneself with others that comes about due to incomplete autonomy.
Until this happens, we go through life relying on others. These others agree to rely on them. They give us support. With that support, we feel safe enough to accept this world as a friendly place.
If this is not done, we create a feeling of basic insecurity.
We don’t have enough support in us. And, perhaps paradoxically, the less support we receive, the more we need it. Then we start looking for it in other people. In partners, friends. It may even happen that at some point we need the support of our children who are not yet adults.
What’s the problem here?
In that we will never have the feeling that we are really capable enough to live independently. The more we need support, the less we feel we get it.
How then can we be a good parent?
To be a good parent, we need to have some sense of security and support. If this is not the case, it is good to recognize it. It is not so difficult, we will recognize by whether we feel that we can cope with life, whether we can tell ourselves that, no matter what happens, we always have ourselves. And once we recognize it, we can find ways to overcome it.
If we have children, and we recognize that we do not have enough sense of personal security and a sense of support in ourselves, we can include others in the process of raising them. Of course, working on one’s own maturation.
A child who has parents he can really rely on will be able to really become independent.
When we talk about parents who did not do their parenting tasks well, about their physical or emotional distance, we should keep this in mind: they gave the most they could. If one does not feel safe in one’s life, one cannot give another what one does not have. It is good to understand them and forgive them. Not because of that, or at least not just because of what some experts or society say. It is good to forgive because we achieve nothing by condemning them.
In fact, we achieve that by feeling frustrated and angry, and with that feeling we enter into all other relationships. In this way we prevent ourselves from having authentic human relationships. If we blame parents, we may notice that we somehow make that kind of relationship in other emotional relationships as well.
There is also a situation at one point in life that the relationship between children and parents changes when the parents grow old.
In old age, some changes occur in a person that can reduce his sense of security in life. Age itself is such that we are no longer so strong, fast, adaptable. That needs to be accepted and then we can do something about it. We can find new ways to adapt to life. But, what is important is to emphasize that then the parents find themselves in a similar situation as their children were when they were small. Everything is so different, in fact, their perception is changing due to the aging process itself, that they are starting to feel very insecure. This can irritate or anger their children, now adults, especially if they have not been able to gain enough sense of security.
So, it is good to remember ourselves when we were children and when it was enough for us to know that our parents are there and to support us, so that we feel safe. Then we will be able, not because it is necessary, but because we want to support our parents out of the feeling of love that exists. If our parents haven’t given us enough support, it’s good to be aware that someone can’t give us something they don’t have, and that doesn’t mean that someone is a bad person. If we understand this, we are one step closer to the human in us.
Source: Sito&Rešeto by www.sitoireseto.com.
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