Under a load, the palm can be deformed for life – Without help, the abused child is unable to process the trauma

Emese Králik;

psychologist; Hódmezővásárhely; child abuse; school performance;

2023-05-21 13:39:00

If an adult tries to encourage a child to achieve more with heartless methods, it may even work for a while, but the long-term effects are devastating. In connection with a case in Hódmezővásárhely, we asked the psychologist what he thought about starvation and humiliation. It’s a vicious circle, because without help, the abused child is unable to process the traumas and carries on the pattern. We need to talk about this as much as possible, especially during the upcoming certificate distribution.

– Mental terror is a serious form of abuse, but it is often very difficult to detect the signs of this. Physical abuse is easier to catch in the act, as we see fractures, bruises, and physical signs, while emotional abuse is more insidious.

The child suffers from any form of violence, it is traumatized that can later affect different areas of life, and it can take years to process it. In Hungary, unfortunately, according to many people, for example, a slap given for the purpose of education is acceptable. Many people turn a blind eye when a parent scolds, pulls or humiliates a child in public. But they consider it just as acceptable to constantly criticize, call people names or devalue them and punish them for bad results – psychologist Zsuzsanna Édl told our newspaper about a case in Hódmezővásárhely.

Scolding does not motivate

According to press reports, the District Prosecutor’s Office in Hódmezővásárhely brought charges against a woman who expected excellent sports and school performance from her children to such an extent that she seriously endangered the physical, emotional, intellectual and moral development of the victims. The accused raised his daughters alone for years. Among his unrealistic expectations was that only five students could be brought home from school, if this was not the case, he humiliated and hurt them. Although professionals often meet abused children, the cases that receive publicity are often only the tip of the iceberg, according to Zsuzsanna Édl, the the Hódmezővásárhely case is unique in terms of its severity. “The physical, intellectual, emotional, and moral development of a child is monitored by a number of specialists, and they have to recognize, based on their professional knowledge, when a child or parent needs help,” the county government office replied to our inquiry. The psychologist confirms that the legislative background in our country is adequate from a child protection point of view, but qualifies it by saying that there is a limited pool of professionals who could help comply with the laws. The specialist operating in Szeged and Mako experiences

Not to mention that in the performance-oriented education system, good students and good athletes are rewarded, but how the child achieves outstanding performance is only partially visible. Maybe he wants to do well because he wants to meet the expectations of adults, while others are afraid of being embarrassed or punished.

It is also not healthy to convey to children that their value depends on their performance. As the psychologist points out: the problem often stems from the fact that the adult does not see the real capabilities of the child, who therefore has to meet unfulfillable expectations.

The violent parent can be defeated

– If we want the young person to achieve the best possible result, it is important to take care of the wording, because there is a difference between encouragement and devaluing. It is motivating and encouraging when young people feel that it is acceptable to make mistakes and hear “I will help you, try again”. On the other hand, “you’re worthless”, “it’s not true that you can’t do this”, “you won’t be anything” means that we are not satisfied with his performance or his attempts, but that he himself is not good enough. The qualification and humiliation leaves a deep mark. If the student is often sick before classes, has mood swings, it is impossible to calm him down, if he is constantly tense, suffers from stomach upset, nausea, and sleep difficulties, you have to think about whether realistic things are expected of him – he explains the phenomenon from a professional point of view. it is a general experience of professionals that children do not dare to ask for help. They are afraid that they will not be believed or that no one will be able to protect them against the violent parent. Such parents exercise their power over their children by making them feel insecure. In such cases, many children are left alone with their difficulties and problems.

Intervention is also made more difficult by the fact that the parent who uses psychological terror may appear to be cooperating, since the child is progressing well, doing well, getting results, but you have to pay attention to telltale signs. He can be talkative if – in the case of Vásárhely – this is exactly what happened – he cannot take part in free programs, class trips, and his relationships become narrower.

You have to talk about it to change it

It is crucial for abused children to be in a supportive environment. They need adults they can trust and who will help them. This can be a teacher or other support professional. They are those who can accompany the child in processing, from whom he can learn patterns for coping. Whatever form of trauma affects a child, it fundamentally defines his life. In fact, a person can come to a deeper processing of what he experienced as an adult, when he is able to face what happened. The phenomenon needs to be talked about as much as possible in order to start some kind of slow change, Zsuzsanna Édl believes. The one who is traumatized, the injuries remain, and he is afraid that he will choose an abusive partner, because that is a familiar situation for him. And what is familiar, the expert from Szeged points out, means security, and because of this it will be very difficult to develop a different kind of relationship, even a role at work. It is necessary to deal with the children, because they will carry society forward – he points out the importance of the matter.