Spread your arms

Ana (46) is coming to therapy for insomnia. She is married and has two sons (19 and 21). The wife met while they were studying. Soon after graduation, they got married. The client first got a job in a private company, but after the birth of the child, she had the opportunity to work in the civil service, which she accepted. The children were small, and they did not have the help of their parents to take care of the children. Somehow, she and her husband easily agreed that this was the best solution. The husband worked in a large corporation, where he progressed over time. The work was stressful and hard, but the salary was satisfactory for the needs of the family. She took on most of the housework. She often emphasized the benefits of her job – fixed working hours, no pressure, the salary is not too high but it is regular, etc. The sons grew up. She took them to trainings, to a foreign language school, to children’s birthdays. The boys grew up and had less and less need for that kind of care and antrampling.

Independence in partnerships

In the first phase of therapy, we determined that, nevertheless, she had the experience of giving up her own needs for the sake of taking care of her family. We returned to the question of her ambitions in life and she remembered that she also wanted a successful career while studying, and the current job, despite the advantages, was monotonous. Due to the schedule of children’s activities, she did not schedule her activities. She had more time now, but she felt it was her timepassed me by.

During the therapy, she started to change her habits, saw more of her friends, and joined a mountaineering association. The relationship with his wife also began to change. During the upbringing of the children, they acted as business associates in a joint company called the family, where everyone had their share of work. During the therapy, she started to initiate more joint activities in addition to the obligations around the children. It also turned out that her husband likes to cook lunch on weekends, which she did not even consider as a possibility before. At her job, she took the initiative to get involved in training that will in the future bring her a little more creative work, and less generalerativnog.

So, Ana felt a certain satisfaction because she “sacrificed” herself for her family. Her insomnia was an appeal to wake up and take overis for yourself.

Maria (36) comes to therapy, complains of lethargy. She lives alone in her apartment, which she bought ten years ago. She recently broke up with a man who is married. He works as a translator in a foreign company. He earns adequately, travels often. She complains that she failed to establish a stable partnership. During the therapy, we come to the paradoxical realization that she unknowingly sabotaged herself in finding a partner – the choice would always fall on a married, immature, egocentric partner. Looking for the cause, we came to the conclusion that her mother was a housewife, and her father was the head of the family, and that she made an unconscious effort not to repeat the dependent pattern of the family in which sheis an adult.

Spread your arms

Spread your arms

Both of these dear ladies went to one of the extremes – Ana in the loss of autonomy and dependent position, and Mary, preserving her autonomy, avoided closeness.

Historically, women have come a long way from independence to independence and equality.

However, I am afraid that the idea of ​​equality has gone in the direction of preserving the hard-won autonomy, and many modern women have taken the position of self-sufficiency.

“Strong woman”, “I can do it myself”, etc., in fact, are sometimes a defense against the possibility of losing identity and autonomy in a relationship. Preserving autonomy – they lose the chance for closeness.

If we try to go a step further, we will wonder what these strategies are for in life. Are addiction and emphasized self-sufficiency, in fact, two sides of the same coin, that is, do both women make strategies in life so as not to be rejected? Ana is completely committed to her family, to the extent that, doing everything alone, her husband becomes dependent on her in the context of family life, Ana feels safe because she is increasingly convinced that her husband would not be able to cope with parental, family and household responsibilities. . Maria is also afraid of rejection, but she solves it by not even entering into close relationships. A sense of security, however, costs them a lot – Ana the opportunity to realize their own potentials, and Maria to enjoy the closeness and prrelease.

By creating a security system, the right to an authentic life in which a person realizes his developmental needs is lost. A man who is scared shrinks, gathers, and a man who rejoices in life spreads his arms.

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Source: BIZlife by bizlife.rs.

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