You want sex, but your girlfriend says no. How to deal with it in the best possible way?
– Sex desire is a relatively stable trait. If you start a relationship that obviously has much higher sex drive than you, then it will present problems.
So says psychologist Frode Thuen, who after 20 years as a co-therapist has been sitting in the therapy room with many couples with the same problem:
One wants sex more than the other.
Also read (+): Therefore, many women are unfaithful
To avoid the problem, Thuen recommends new couples talk about sex and sexuality early in the relationship, a bit like talking about where you want to live, whether you want to have children and what you want to spend your money on.
– We have to recognize that many sexual problems are about having different sexual needs and desires in the first place. It is subcommunicated. The main explanation behind such problems is often that they have different needs, Thuen has previously told Nettavisen.
– Almost no couple have as much desire
According to cohabitants, desire problems are one of the most common problems among established couples, but what do we really mean by “problem”?
– There are almost no couples who have the same desire all the time. Initially, you are relatively synchronous because you get so much relief from all the adrenaline and oxytocin that bubbles into the body, but eventually many will change out of touch with each other, says sexologist Thomas Winther.
However, most couples can tolerate this outrage quite well. For others, however, the problem grows big and difficult.
Whether it gets devastating is about several things. How important is sex and sexuality to you? What is the cause of the desire problem? Is it because one of the parties is stressed and therefore has little desire, or is there talk of deeper, underlying causes?
External factors such as stress, health and children affect sex drive, and suddenly it seems very distant to think that at one point, in the midst of falling in love, having sex four times a day.
– I agree with Thuen that sex drive is a stable trait to the extent that high libido is not something that just disappears. But that will change. For men, it will decrease in tandem with decreasing testosterone levels in the body, while women will often experience a change in pregnancy and after childbirth, says Winther.
Use it or lose it
research shows that women, to a greater extent than men, lose the desire for sex in long-term relationships.
– One thing is reduced sex drive in connection with pregnancy. No one wants sex if you are nauseous all day. But the period of reduced sex drive can extend much longer than the nine months. After childbirth, mother gets a lot of her child’s need for closeness, and while she is bubbling over with oxytocin, Dad stands on the sidelines thinking “now there is no need for me anymore,” says Winther, adding:
– Sexual desire disappears when we don’t have sex. “Use it or lose it”. If one maintains the sex drive by masturbating, while the other just lets it go, one eventually gets a mismatch.
Winther talks about a project he participated in during the studies, where they talked to couples who had decided to move apart.
– 42 per cent of women say that sex was one of the causes of sexual intercourse, while 39 per cent of men said it was the main cause of the breach. So problems in the sex life are definitely something to be taken seriously, says Winther.
Five common tactics
Sexologists and sexual therapists have in several interviews provided good tips on how to arouse each other’s sexual desire.
Researchers at the University of Southampton have also investigated what strategies couples usually use to solve desire problems, writes Psychology Today.
They have spoken to 229 adults in heterosexual relationships about what tactics they use when one of the parties rejects the other. The result is published in «Archives of Sexual Behavior», and shows that there are five tactics remaining:
The one with the least desire, refuses or protests, while the one with the most desire, gives up and spends time on other, non-sexual things, such as training or other hobbies.
11 percent used this strategy, and nine percent felt that it worked. Of all the strategies, it was the one with the least success.
The researchers are expressing concern about those couples who are still struggling to disconnect, as it can cause great harm to the relationship over time.
The couple talks about why one doesn’t want to, and tries to come up with a solution, like planning another time for sex.
11 percent used this strategy, but 57 percent thought it worked well.
3. Solosex (without partner)
The one with the most lightly masturbated, watched porn or read erotic short stories or books when the partner rejected the initiative for sex.
27 per cent did so by rejection, and around half (46 per cent) of them think it worked.
More than half of those surveyed stated masturbation as the best solution. Researchers believe it can work very well if there is essentially talk of preventing sexual frustration, but that it quickly becomes problematic if it eventually becomes only the road to sexual gratification.
4. Intimacy (with partner)
If one party said no to sex, the couple instead found other ways to be intimate. They cost, massaged, showered, or rented hands.
38 percent did this, and 54 percent thought it helped. In some cases, it helped the sex drive, so that you got more desire for sex with the girlfriend after being intimate in other ways.
5. Had sex anyway
In some cases it said with the least lust, yes to “a quick one” anyway, and sometimes the lust came as they began.
14 percent solved the problem in this way, and 58 percent thought it worked well.
The tactics that worked best
The disconnect tactic, also known as the “overlook the problem so that it grows bigger” tactic, works poorly.
Only nine percent of those who use it find it a good tactic.
It may not be that sensational, all the while Thuen and other experts encourage couples to talk about sex drive for one becomes an established couple at all. Then it goes without saying that one should not stop talking about it if the problems first arise.
What is more surprising is what emerges under point 5.
58 percent of those who used tactics “have sex anyway” think it worked. It is the highest success rate of all five tactics.
That said, only 14 percent have sex even when they really don’t want to. Winther thinks it’s important to distinguish between not really wanting to have sex and getting over the door miles.
– You should never have sex if you do not want or feel pressured. It can create an aversion to sex, and especially for women, it is important to wait for sex until you are ready. If you push yourself into intercourse before you get wet, it can be painful and uncomfortable. At worst, the body creates its own defense system to prevent it from happening again, says Winther.
That said, starting the foreplay even though you aren’t really so lit can be a good idea sometimes.
– The desire can come along the way. Maybe you can start and see if you want to? It is quite possible to have sex even if you were basically not a jerk, says Winther, and concludes:
– Feel free to suggest a quick one and see if the desire comes. Not just to make your partner happy, but for your own part too. We are actually happy with sex.
Do you have questions for the experts? Submit an anonymous description of the situation you are in and the problem you are having. Include relevant details about your life situation, the feelings that awaken in you and what you wonder about. This increases the likelihood of your question being selected, as it is difficult for the experts to answer if you omit relevant details. Use form below or click here to get to it.