Is it good to avoid parting at all costs?

Of course, nothing lasts forever and relationships end – either with a breakup or with the death of one of the partners. Death is, of course, certain, and we cannot avoid it, but the question arises whether we can and whether it is good to avoid parting at all costs.

Danijela Stojanović, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, PS Kontrapunkt
Danijela Stojanović, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, PS counterpoint

Separation of two people is not bad in itself. It is not good to break up if there is still love and if there are ways to overcome differences. In that case, it is good to take various steps in order to bridge the distance and the gap that has arisen.

However, in some cases, breaking up is the best thing two people can do for their human relationship. Parting can also represent a step forward in the development of both partners.

How the ending of a relationship will proceed depends on its quality. As good as the beginning of the relationship was, the end of the relationship could be as good.

Mature relationships begin with the intention of at least one partner to develop through a mutual relationship, while immature ones have the intention of maintaining a certain state that they have declared to be ideal, or at least good enough.

This should not be confused with the conditioning of love, with the expectation that the partner will change because we love him and are ready to “help” him change.

The bottom line is that we are ready to mature through that relationship, regardless of whether the partner wants to develop. Of course, it can be useful to choose a partner who also wants to develop, but this should not be confused with a situation where we think that someone needs to change, because they ‘obviously’ have a problem.

Also, we should not confuse the mutual desire for development with a situation in which someone signals to us that he wants to develop in order to present himself to us in a better light.

When partners develop over the years, some interesting things happen.

The most interesting thing is when people change their character. If the relationship started with the intention of stagnation, the change in the character of one or both partners breaks the psychological contract from the beginning of the relationship, that the partners remain as they are. However, if the initial intention is dynamic, ie. if at least one partner wants to develop, then character changes are completely in line with that.

Moving away from a partner can be both good and bad. It is good when it is an expression of their desire for independence, and it is bad when it is a consequence of the lack of contact between them. In the first case, distancing alternates cyclically with rapprochement, and these are the normal phases of a relationship. In the second case, moving away is a prelude to a relationship crisis.

Distance manifests itself, when it comes to a crisis, either as an interruption or weakening of communication, or as unproductive communication, or as the inability of partners to meet each other.

If the partners entered the relationship with the intention of developing, it will probably be reflected in their breakup, i.e. they will wish the other the best and act accordingly.

In the second case, various types of shenanigans are possible, starting from emotional blackmail, accusations of relationship failure, and in general for anything and everything, up to more serious things such as manipulation of joint children, joint property, friends, relatives, etc.

However, regardless of how the relationship started, when a crisis occurs, a lot can be done, either to overcome the crisis, or at least to end the relationship in a good way.

Do the following if you have a problematic situation in your partner relationship:

Imagine that you are in a theater and that a scene typical of that situation is unfolding on the stage boards. You are in the audience watching the scene. See how the actors playing your partner and you behave. How they speak, how they move. “Develop” this scene and follow how you feel. Is the play you are watching a tragedy, a comedy or a vaudeville? How do you like the acting, the scenography? Would you give the director or the actors any suggestions? At the end of the scene, do you applaud, whistle or leave the theater indifferently?

When you are done, see how you feel and what you think now about your problem between you and your partner.

Source: Sito&Rešeto by

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