Is compatibility more important than attractiveness?

Wherever we start in the conversation and no matter how we turn – clients and I come to the topic of love and partnerships.

Without exception. These conversations are mostly (very) sensitive and complex, multi-layered and more or less difficult to “swallow”. Among other things, and because they always rely on conversations about (early) relationships with parents and what they have learned in that context.

Marina Drobnjaković, dipl. psychologist and psychotherapeutic counselor

Working with people, I meet all (im) possible expectations from partnerships and forms of functioning in the community with others. Some (too) early enter the marital waters and, sailing for too long, come to routine, predictability, boredom and even a roommate.

Also read this: We don’t break up because we didn’t get along, but because we liked the projection, not the person

Some (for) too long search and never find a suitable and (only) right partner. Some fly high and then fall low, persistently going crazy and falling unhappily in love. (We could think about this further and wonder if it is possible to fall in love madly and happily. And what does it even mean luda infatuation?).

Read this too: Romance as a process, not a goal

Some, on the other hand, collect infatuations with great love. Some run away from relationships, and some from relationships. Some are organically afraid of attachment and intimacy. Some people count too much in love, not counting dissatisfaction, frustration, failure and even intolerance, which, with counting, almost as a rule goes hand in hand.

Whenever I consider healthy partner love, I remind myself that it is based on passion, intimacy (intimacy) and commitment to duration. And whenever I think for myself or talk to my clients about partner love, I realize how rare and (too) few people are in full health. In other words – in traces. If in them.

Also read this: DIVORCE DANGEROUS TO HEALTH: The consequences of a bad marriage cannot be erased

Many things are agreed upon, so much is given up, too much is endured and the (insufficiently good or very problematic) goal is pursued at any, often very high price.

I have to say with a heavy heart that I don’t remember (!) When I last heard about healthy love and two people who liked each other (or even fell in love), fell in love and got married. I don’t remember (!) The last time I heard about two people who got married out of love, instead of out of interest or calculation of some other kind.

Also read this: Is it true (and why) men have a greater sexual appetite than women

On the other hand, I know of many who look harmonious and happy (in the eyes of those who cannot see and see), and live a nightmare in their four walls. (About the phenomenon its four walls one could write specifically, at length, and widely.)

Photo by Yana Lizunkova

Many will say that opposites attract and it is not that they are not attracted, which is – is. Significantly the opposite and different can be interesting, inspiring and very exciting – if you like or rate it as more socially desirable than your own.

In addition, many opposites are seen as a space and an opportunity for quality complementarity.

Also read this: Men, you need to know this: Why do women leave the men they love!

However, in connection with the attraction that ends unhappily and with a (great) injury, the problem is that it is unconscious and unknowable. Many, like intoxicated people, go to those who “inexplicably” look like each other and in well-known and extremely predictable ways take, do not give, leave or disappear.

Also read this: HOW TO BE HAPPY: Expectations and other demons of the culture of false happiness and smiles

Practical experience shows that, often unattainable and rarely available, contradictory and hot-cold experts are very attractive.

Whenever I think about opposites, I come to the conclusion that differences in temperament and age between partners do not have to be, and often are not, an obstacle to harmonious functioning in love.

All other differences are, I would say, potentially and most often very disruptive. From those in the level of education and business (un) success, through cultural and mental ones to differences regarding expectations from the present and future of the partnership.

Also read this: Mature love

By the way, I often hear from the clients I work with how and why they don’t like people like them. These conversations, in essence, come down to a story about the reasons and origins of not loving yourself, because – how can you love yourself, but not someone like yourself?

I would say it is very important to differentiate between a partner love from the partner relationships.

Also read this: WHEN THE MIND SUFFERS, THE BODY MOURS: Your body speaks, listen to it!

A partnership can be and, unfortunately, is often a relationship of compatible partners who – without love, attraction (passion) and problems in this regard – go forward like some contracting parties.

When such a couple does not have children, the matter is not so problematic – let adults live as they live. However, when such a couple has children – it exposes them to living in an atmosphere in which they certainly do not live.

I know that because I know these “children”, although the difficulties of these people’s childhood and getting stuck in dysfunctional patterns in adulthood can be understood and predicted even without talking to them. It is a matter of elementary logic and common sense. That child, from time to time, needs thorough psychotherapy.

Also read this: FORBIDDEN LOVE or avoiding facing one’s own inability to love

Those who live in community with others (great) dissatisfaction and suffering, you will often hear them say that “nowhere is ideal”. And it is not, it is completely true and natural. It is nowhere, it cannot be and it does not even need to be ideal – but it needs to be good and healthy, comfortable and mostly pleasant, mutual and equal.

Also read this: It all falls apart if your sex is bad: Bad sex is 90 percent of marriage

Those who live (great) dissatisfaction and suffering in a relationship or marriage, not that they are far from ideal, but they are unfamiliar with even good enough or, even better, minimally functional. Which, in my opinion, means at least good agreement.

Tanja Heffner Foto’s photo

As I see and hear, some of the common dilemmas are (real) love or (good) sex, a good man or an attractive man, a (highly) educated / intellectual or well-to-do, reliable / exciting or exciting, etc.

To be honest, life is a constant (behind) choice, more or less good and wise. Life is (not) noticing, directing attention and thinking about priorities, among other things.

Also read this: EMOTIONALLY LOCKED PEOPLE: Hiding ourselves, in fact, we lose ourselves

A (potential) partner may be perfectly compatible, but not attractive. Conversely, (physically) one can be extremely attracted to the one with whom, due to numerous and significant differences, life cannot be shared.

Also read this: THE BODY NEVER LIES: When we don’t listen to our emotions, the body enters the scene

I would say that partner love suffers neither an absence of compatibility nor an absence of attraction. I would also say that it is very important to distinguish between marital and institutionally “disordered” (emotional) partnership of two people. I would also say that it is very important to distinguish between marriage in a dream and in reality, but more on that on another occasion.

Photo Ivan Cabanas

For this time, heavy-hearted, I would say that a marriage can survive indefinitely based primarily or solely on compatibility, uniting around a common interest, and maintaining pictures perfections of social desirability.

Also read this: ANGER: The main weapon in the function of protecting one’s own needs that drives change

Unfortunately, you don’t have to love your spouse. It doesn’t even have to be appealing to you. You don’t even have to be close. It is enough, unfortunately, that you both want marriage (for these or those reasons known to you) and learn to function within that institution. How-so.

Also read this: To all the beautiful halves, ladies, wives and practical women

By living an incomplete partnership, you will experience complete ruin – dissatisfaction, frustration, unhappiness, disappointment, despair, suffering, acting and pretending and so much more, negative. Don’t do it to yourself. Just don’t.

Source: Sito&Rešeto by

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