“I became a widow with two children at the age of 36, 5 years later I’m getting ready to remarry and I’m going against everyone”

“I became a widow with two children at the age of 36, 5 years later I’m getting ready to remarry and I’m going against everyone”

A 36-year-old widow with two children, who lost her husband suddenly, is preparing to rebuild her life five years later, with the support of her children, but not the others.

“One moment is enough to change your whole life. May your world collapse and you seem lost in a vast desert where you can’t find your oasis anywhere. Desperate… You see only darkness and the end of the tunnel for a while the light is nowhere to be seen.

That’s how I felt 5 years ago when time stopped after the phone call to my office: your husband is in the hospital. I hung up and everything froze since then. My husband died suddenly of an aneurysm. She was only 37 years old and I was 36 with a baby in my arms and another in my belly.

I try to remember those moments and it hurts. His loss still hurts. “Time heals, time heals the pain,” they used to tell me. But even now as I prepare to remarry, the pain of loss is the same.

36-year-old widow prepares to remarry, but doesn’t forget her “gone” husband
It hurts to lose my husband. It hurts that he is not with us. It hurts that he doesn’t get to see our daughter and son grow up. Nothing can change this pain. And it won’t change him, no matter how many years pass. Even now as I prepare to rebuild my life.

Unfortunately, those around me, my own people, cannot see this. They don’t understand it. They say I forgot him. They wonder when I managed to forget him. My husband’s family is afraid that now they will definitely lose their grandchildren. They are worried about how they will grow up with a foreign man. They cry for their son who is being “eaten” by the soil and the “other”, i.e. me, lives her life normally.

My own family is ashamed that I am remarrying so quickly because their grief is what people will say. Ah, this world. Yes… This world that at first looked at me with pity and falsely wept for the orphans. And then nothing. Or rather not. He counted the times I went to visit the in-laws. And if they got less, they invented problems and cursed me.

But where was this world when I gave birth to my child alone? Where I was shaking like a fish after giving birth and desperately looking for my husband’s hand to hold and feel safe? Where did I hug our newborn baby and not have him by my side to share the joy?

Where was this world when I had one child sick and the other in my arms and I was alone? Where was this world when I was going through postpartum depression? Where was he when I was in despair and didn’t have a hug to snuggle up to and cry? Where was he when I needed a tender caress, a kiss? Where was he when I lost my job? Nowhere. Hiding in corners they were waiting for my every move to comment and release their venom. They do the same now, but I don’t care.

I mourned my husband, I mourn him and I will always mourn him. But I have two young children and I owe it to them to be happy. I owe it to them to see me smile instead of cry. I owe it to them that we have joy, laughter and security in our home and not a blackness.

So, such blackness exists in my in-laws’ house as well. They lost their son and there is no more tragic blow for a parent. They plunged into mourning and never wanted to come out of it. As if they sealed the house so that no joy could enter it. However, they wanted me to go into mourning with the children. But that was not happening.

When I met the man I am about to marry, it had been three years since the loss. Everything came slowly and effortlessly. I never sought to find another man or fall in love. It even seemed inconceivable to me. It happened without me realizing it, on its own, of course.

This man brought back my lost smile. He showed me the end of the tunnel and I saw the light. It’s not security that made me decide to get married. I fought alone for five years. I learned to stand on my own two feet, to feel secure with myself. Not to need anyone, not to depend on anyone.

But, I didn’t learn how to smile. How to feel calm. This man taught me again. It brought peace to my soul. But the main thing? His presence, his kindness and love for my children, lit up their little faces. They love him and that’s everything to me.

So I’m getting ready to get married again. Against everyone, but with my two children by my side. And I know that from somewhere on high he will also agree with my decision.”

Source: διαφορετικό by www.diaforetiko.gr.

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