How do siblings, when they grow up, stop talking to each other?

How do siblings, when they grow up, stop talking to each other?

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has glaring examples in her own family of siblings not talking to each other: My mom and her brother, for example, if they could they would never meet again in their lives – so bad have a relationship.

My dad is not fighting with his sister, but it is a matter of talking on the phone once a month. I do not remember when they met up close.

And these are great people. Retirees. They no longer have such an overloaded schedule, nor too many responsibilities – to say that they do not succeed.

I am an only child and I have not “immersed” so much in the brotherly relationship, but having now had two children, I find it difficult to “digest” how it is possible for two brothers not to talk to each other. How do you make the decision to end any relationship with your “blood”.

Does it have to do with childhood “traumas” that developed into grudges? Do you realize at some point that you probably do not like your brother or sister, so you do not find a reason to drive to the other side of town to see him? Or is it the need to take care of the elderly parents – in the hope that you might inherit them – that sets the big fires?

There are, of course, siblings who are terribly close to each other – this percentage is estimated according to foreign statistics about 25%, while about 20% of siblings typically have a good relationship.

There is, however, a potential of 20% who either do not speak or even have hostile relations. Among us, experts say, the percentage of brother-enemies is higher, there are just a few who have the courage to admit it openly.

Because even though they may feel relieved that their relationship has broken down, it is a bit embarrassing to explain to someone who asks, “Why are you not doing well?” What has happened;”

When envy becomes war

All siblings quarrel when they are children. They are angry that they took each other’s toy or crossed the line they had imagined between them, in the back seat. As psychologist Laurie Kramer of the University of Illinois puts it, “the ability to fight with your siblings and resolve these differences is a major developmental success.”

That is, children who have never learned to manage these conflicts are more likely to become estranged from each other as they grow older. “They have no motivation to want to keep in touch. “They just want to stay away from each other.”

Psychotherapist Jeanne Safer points out that there are two types of personalities who are more likely to be alienated from their siblings: those who are terribly hostile and those who are labeled “grievance collectors” – who will tell you, for example, that you never liked them. for that time they sent you flowers for your birthday. (We’m sure you can think of many of the latter…)

The role of mom…

To some extent, evolution is also to blame. The siblings seem “programmed” to develop rivalries with each other, because they have to compete with each other for one of the most important “resources” – parental care. “Two hundred years ago, almost half of all babies born were less than adolescents,” says Frank Sulloway, a professor of psychology at Berkeley University.

“The intensity of sibling competition, makes much more sense, when one realizes that small differences in the preferences of parents (in their” weaknesses “), can determine if a child e.g. he will go to the pediatrician for something he showed or not. “

Official research reveals that two out of three mothers have a weakness in a child. And when this weakness is evident or translated as such, siblings are much more likely to become estranged from each other.

Some adults will admit that they are still bothered by this difference in parental preferences. Others will never say that. The question is, as experts say, how siblings feel about their lives as adults.

Those who have succeeded professionally and live happily are less likely to cling to the past, and may even laugh at the fact that they were the “black sheep” of the family.
Does it make sense to fix such a relationship?

Getting a sibling out of your life completely, no matter how much he / she “deserves”, can have serious consequences, psychologists say. They explain that those who have done it, later regret it deeply.

As Safer characteristically says “We have our parents for about 30-50 years, but we can have our siblings for 80 years. These are the only people who remember our childhood – is it possible that we have nothing to say to them? It’s tragic… »

Many say they would reunite with their brothers if they apologized and were willing to make a fresh start. Unfortunately, of course, life brings them in such a way that it usually takes a tragedy for this to happen, e.g. one of them becomes seriously ill. And then both sides realize how many years have been lost…

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