“He defines himself as polyamorous”

For more than two years, I have been around a married man with three children. At the start, it was only a question of a relationship of accomplice lovers. The first year, we saw each other on average every two weeks, one evening, or even two. Between these moments, we corresponded a lot on our voicemail, telephoned, made visios. Monsieur S., as I call him, seduced me with his erudition, his quick wit, his humor. He makes me laugh, and it’s rare enough that I wanted to continue our relationship, when I had always sworn to never date a man already taken.

We met via a libertine site. Our first meeting took place after more than four weeks of nourished and intense discussions. Our first meeting was a fireworks display. Like many other following too. During a meeting, at the very beginning, he told me “I like you”. I didn’t believe him. It was too early. I did enjoy it, however. So long that a man hadn’t said those words to me! However. After a few months, and while I knew him another affair, I realized that we had a lot of things in common (friends, tastes, values, sensibilities…). And I fell in love with it.

Error or not, I confessed it to him. And, since that time, he kept telling me regularly that he was not in love with me, that he would not go further with me. When I ask him why, his answers are always different. The last is that he couldn’t have a secret garden with me. It is defined as polyamorous. I am not. I can be libertine, but with my man. Since we met, he has separated from his wife. He started his business with my support.

Over time, his engagement with me has been more chaotic. With hot and cold. Since I am hypersensitive, the pain was severe. Many times I have thought about ending the relationship, not giving news once for a week, decided to cut it. He revived me and I failed to terminate. I have relationships outside, but none feed me so much, and I think of him in the arms of others. We continue to see each other, often on my initiative, but not only. He’s more distant on messaging, and I suffer from that. Today he is working on himself. He recently realized that we were complementary. He tells me he needs to refocus for the moment.

I bet he changes his mind when he realizes that what he is looking for he has at his fingertips. I think he’s looking for an ideal woman and that I don’t fit his criteria. I am constantly oscillating between hope and the reason that tells me to end the relationship. But I can not. And at the same time, I don’t want him to tell me one day that he has met another, and leaves me like an old sock… How do I get out of it without suffering too much? Why is he continuing the relationship?


Dear Verona,

It’s hard to choose your reason when you’re still totally in touch with your feelings. And you’re far from the only one willing to hold your breath on a man epiphany that makes your heart beat faster. So I will give you the advice I give to all my friends concerned: turn the page. Sometimes it’s just a matter of timing. That is to say, everything seems aligned for the story to be beautiful. The feelings are present, it is the fireworks in bed, and yet … yet there is something stuck on the side of one of the protagonists. It can be a fear of commitment, a past story whose trauma remains deeply rooted, a desire for freedom or even the famous little voice that we could always have better elsewhere. For all these reasons, nothing can unblock the situation. Or in any case nothing that is not dependent on the second person. We would then tend to wait. But, I tell you, waiting never solves anything. Staying available will not make you a priority on that person’s list when they are truly willing to have a story, if they do. There will always be other people, other encounters, other fresher adventures that will also have more appeal and you will remain the one who waited.

For now, you enjoy the status quo and a gender-based relationship where it keeps you a place. But if that is not what you aspire to, or what you need, then saving yourself is a priority. You are doing yourself a disservice by settling for the crumbs and hoping that he does not forget you. It is you who you must protect as a priority. You must love yourself first.

Second, never feel like you have to justify yourself for your emotional, romantic, or physical needs. I am polyamorous and I don’t think for a second that everyone could or should be. That you are not is not at all a problem. All that matters about this is that you know exactly what is right for you and that you live by it. Your own needs are in no way responsible for the failure of this story. It’s the other person who sets their pace on the relationship and decides if they have enough time or the inclination to devote to you.

You deserve better, Verona. Everyone deserves better than to have their life and happiness depend entirely on someone’s goodwill.

Source: Slate.fr by www.slate.fr.

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