Family size and quarrels meet – with these instructions you can try to reconcile

Chilling distances to the mother-in-law, years of silent school with a sister, or a thread with which an air dispute immediately ignites – that’s enough.

When a relationship with a guy gets stuck in the rocks, the gaps can be put across or let the relationship fade, but with family and close family, we usually even want to somehow get along.

If the solution is not to leave the relationship, could it be saved, even alone? We have always been stressed that one can change oneself, but not another person.

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If there is a genuine desire to improve the relationship, you can always try. It can be difficult if the other party doesn’t come up, but our actions and nonverbal communication have a surprising amount of impact. Emotions grab and shape interaction. An individual act or word can become a turning point in a better direction.

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Turn your gaze to yourself

First, consider what has gone wrong with the interaction, and why the relationship is in a bad mess. Instead of blaming, turn your gaze to yourself and ask what I could do. What should change and how would it affect? Have I ever acted or spoken offensively?

Of course, its own value must be remembered. It’s good to think about how much you want to use your resources to save the relationship, how much you value the relationship.

Sincerity catches on

Warming up the cool gaps can take a long effort as it takes time to process emotions. Arrange events for meetings and socializing. Even organize parties to which you invite with your opponent.

If the meetings have usually ended in a dispute, you should contact us when you are feeling well and calm. Then the risk of being provoked by another’s sayings decreases.

Try these:

Think, what your words in another’s ears sound like. Look into the eyes as you speak, eye contact creates intimacy. Expressions and touches also affect whether the atmosphere is relaxed or tense.

Thank you, when there is a reason, thus positive behavior is strengthened. Think about what the other will be pleasantly surprised with but be careful that your behavior is not overbearing but sincere. A forced, pretended smile arouses suspicion and conflicting feelings in anyone.

Calm down yourself. However, if your approach attempt turns to the side of conflict, the most important thing is that you calm yourself down. In the power of emotional turmoil, one often says what one regrets. Count to ten, leave the room. Anything to maintain your self-control.

Once the atmosphere has calmed down, you could think together about the reasons for your breakup without the other having to take a defensive stance. Speaking directly is often more difficult the closer a person is. Still try.

Sometimes less is enough

Once the conciliator has done what he can, the ball is on the opposite side. If there are enough positive experiences, the relationship can move in a positive direction on its own. Gap correction can be achieved when neither victims nor perpetrators are sought.

It can also happen that, despite a good attempt, the relationship is no longer made intact by any means. Then you should just accept that sometimes less is enough. No one needs to be a best friend even with their siblings. In any case, experience can help in evaluating one’s own patterns of behavior.

Prevent splinters:

  • Don’t assume or over-interpret every sound and gesture of the opponent. Sometimes disputes arise out of sheer misunderstanding.
  • Ask and forgive. Both are part of the fundamentals of interpersonal skills. Forgiveness frees from the past and acts as a counterweight to anger and bitterness.
  • Take care of a relationship with a sibling, for example, by doing together what is pleasing and natural to both of you.
  • Don’t get the dispute to the silent school level. When communication ceases, the dimensions of the dispute get out of hand and the negotiation becomes nothing more.
  • Learn to speak pretty. It can be difficult to maintain a friendly way of speaking if one is accustomed to communicating with another in a derogatory and prickly manner. Words have a surprisingly large meaning.

The expert is psychologist Jaana Ojanen, Väestöliitto

This article has appeared in Good Health magazine. As a subscriber, you can read all numbers free of charge from the service.

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