DIRTY TALKING: Lascivious behavior in sex between partners (tell me about nasty things…)

“Thank God I was raised Catholic, so for me sex will always be dirty.”

~ John Waters

Freeing one’s sexual expression from the shackles of social propriety can create an exhilarating state of arousal. Expanding personal boundaries can come from trying new sexual acts or role playing. Doing it with a willing partner can be especially satisfying.

How can lovers engage in riskier, more outrageous sex play and come out healthier through it?

As an example, consider dirty talk. Of course, the definition of obscenity varies between and even within cultures: today’s commonplaces were taboo in previous generations.

But explicit language becomes acceptable through more than general cultural change.

When two people are connected, dirty talking (dirty behavior in sex) can become the language of love, not just a pornographic exercise.

If we examine dirty words through the science of neurobiology, we find that while most language functions as a reason-dependent left-brain activity, profanity is often controlled by the affective right-brain, representing spontaneous emotional content struggling to express itself.

So it’s only natural that profanity and colorful vocabulary pop up in our most meaningful conversations.

We talk to people with whom we are deeply connected differently than we talk to someone far away.

We convey our story in the same way we relate to the listener. Limiting ourselves to strictly healthy communication can come across as preachy, stilted, or controlling, even if our intention is to use healthy communication skills.

How often have we heard teenagers say to well-meaning parents, “Stop saying ‘self-help’!”

To truly connect with others, we must cultivate a common language that no one controls and in which everyone feels engaged and understood.

There is nothing wrong with any style of speech or action, as long as it is harmless and consensual, and both parties agree on it. And if they occasionally act dirty or talk dirty to both lovers to connect in a more exciting and honest way, then yes, swear carefully.

Take a minute alone to release an impulsive stream of obscenities and strange thoughts. How do you feel about this? Excited? Unpleasant? Concentrate on these feelings. Could they correspond to an emotional event in your past or present? Just for today, mentally let go of that baggage.

Today, notice all your interactions and instead of getting stuck in a one-sided conversation (or sexual contact), look for ways to connect with your companion in a unique and genuine way.