As long as you make excuses not to see our children, I make them memories – different

To my ex-husband: As long as you make excuses not to see our children, I make them memories

I’m not angry with you. I feel sorry for you…

I looked at you when I left you children last Friday, the first time you saw them after a month and once again I saw the absolute void in your eyes, the same void I always saw, the same void I tried to fill with my love and our children.

I heard your hoarse voice the night before you called me. I know you smoke a lot. I also know that you sleep all day because you feel sick. I realized that you are in the worst phase of your life and that you could not be consistent in your obligations to our children.

Your image was familiar. You’ve been like this every weekend for years. I felt my stomach sink as I had to stone my heart and leave our children to you. At that moment I felt the memories flood me.

I smiled at you and told you that everything was fine. I pretended not to notice your crap and asked if you were feeling well. You told me you were fine, but I saw something else. You are not well and you miss the most important moments from your children’s lives.

You are supposed to be a man that your children should look up to and admire, the man they will want to look like growing up, the one who will teach them how to become men themselves, a man they can rely on but not are you.

Your children love you very much. They have eyes only for you. They trust you but in the situation you are in you can not teach them anything and in no case can they rely on you.

That same night, shortly after I left your children and left, you sent me a message: “I know that you are not interested in hearing what I want to tell you and probably at some point you will use it against me, but at this time I am not at my best. I constantly vomit and sweat a lot. I have started and I am afraid. And if you wonder, no. I do not drink”.

You are lying and I know it. I’m sure last night you drank as much as you did many other times. It was neither the first nor the last. I had seen it happen dozens of times.

To be honest I was relieved that you sent me a message. I was not interested in your lies or the fact that you did not dare to admit the truth. I was relieved because I came back and took my children back to their house. Thank you for at least admitting that you were not well and could not keep them that night and not admitting the real reason.

I’m not angry with you anymore, at least not in the way I used to be. I’m sorry for you now. I feel sorry for you and I am sad to see you like this. I am upset about your situation and I feel more sorry for those who believe your lies and flattery. I wish things were different, but I can do nothing but let you go on the path you have chosen.

It bothered me that I wished you could call me and tell me to come and get the children and where you did it.

As long as you drink as if there is no tomorrow and you almost forget that you have two children who need you, I live my own drama. As long as you make excuses not to see them, I make them memories. While you sleep after endless sleep, I hug our children and try to reassure them. The moment you make one-night stands, I build real relationships that will last a lifetime.

You make excuses, I make memories. This is our difference. Miss. You are always missing. Instead of wasting your time with them you waste it sending messages with funny things they said as if you forget that I am with them all the time and what they tell you, I have heard them thousands of times before. Our kids have a sense of humor, I know that. You will be surprised at how much they know. They are very smart. I taught them everything they know. You will be surprised when you see them embracing and loving each other. They are very sweet children. I taught them to love. The moment you behave selfishly and love only yourself, completely lost, you have lost every moment of them.

Did you know that our eldest son loves cradles and wants me to push him as high as I can as long as I am in front of him to see my face? Did you know that our little son also loves cots but he does not want me to push him hard because he is afraid? You have no idea. You know neither their favorite food nor how they dress, nor what games they like to play. You do not even know that they love dancing. You do not know that our little son hides when he is ashamed or that the eldest is an excellent student. You do not know that they like football and that they are very good at it.

Probably growing up not to be here to see them play in a game, but I will be in the stands and shout for both of us. I will be there so that they have someone of their own to see when they search with their eyes.

I can not have demands on you. You missed all their important moments. Your situation does not allow you to give them important life lessons because inside you are still a little lost boy.

When they were born my world changed while yours remained the same. You lost the beauty of what we created together and the depth of your role. You never really wanted to be a father but you became and now you are missing.

I’m not angry with you anymore. I’m just sorry.


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