Are women’s and men’s sexual fantasies similar?

It is a typical belief that men and women work very differently, while one does not think about sex day and night, the other does not bat an eyelash without candlelight romance. Based on this, we also think that their fantasies are also very different from each other. But this is only partly true.

Sexuality is of fundamental importance in most people’s lives: regardless of gender or orientation, what happens in bed has a great impact on them. And also what is only in his head. What do women and men fantasize about? Are the two genders very different in this regard?

A few years ago, an interesting and very comprehensive research was done on the desires and most typical fantasies of Americans. THE Kinsey Institute one of the researchers Dr. Justin Lehmiller and his colleagues surveyed more than four thousand people with astonishing thoroughness about what sexual fantasies they cherish, and their answers were compared with a range of demographic data. In the 350 questions of the questionnaire, Americans who were open to answering were thoroughly questioned, and although sexual fantasies and desires have a lot of cultural embeddedness, the lessons of the answers are by no means only valid for the United States. We drew on the findings of the research and then asked an expert about the nature of women’s and men’s fantasy.


Fantasy and desire

In order to put the results and lessons of the study into context, we must first clarify two basic concepts: fantasy and desire, although they can also be interpreted in relation to sex, they mean very different things.

Sexual fantasies are born from imagination and previous experiences, and a very important feature of them is that the dreamer does not necessarily want to experience them. In sexual fantasies, things can also appear that in real life a person does not want to try at all, or is afraid or even disgusted by them, and fantasizing about them is more a kind of coping strategy, with which he displays his fears, anxiety or frustration, or something suffocating wants to get rid of a taboo.

On another page are the imagined scenes that we would like to shoot in practice – we call these imagined scenarios desires.

If the realization of these imagined actions does not cause harm either to ourselves or to others, in the case of a fantasy about couple activities, we find a suitable partner with whom we can realize them by mutual agreement, it is worth taking a test by living out our desires. According to research, this can have a positive effect on our sex life and our relationship.




We tend to think very stereotypically about human sexuality. Our typical beliefs are that men and women work quite differently, while one does not think about sex day and night, for the other gender it is a high-profile activity. Based on this, we also think that the fantasies of women and men are very different from each other. The reality, on the other hand, is that although there are gender-specific fantasies (more on that later), the majority of them appear for both genders.

  1. BDSM fantasies

Members of both sexes like to fantasize about more or less disordered sexual activities, such as bondage, humiliation, punishment and reward. There are both men and women who are submissive types, and there are also those who imagine themselves in a dominant role, and even those who gladly switch between the two approaches.

  1. Unusual locations and novelties

Both women and men fantasize about having sex with their partner or someone else in some unusual location (from a room in the apartment not used for this purpose to extreme outdoor locations). Overturning a taboo or unusual sexual activity also plays a prominent role in the fantasies of many people.

  1. Non-monogamous scenarios

Among the fantasies of members of both sexes, scenarios involving at least three people and/or based on cheating are high on the list.

  1. More passion and romance

Both men and women love to fantasize about sexual activity in which they can experience more and stronger passion than they experience on a daily basis, or the kind of unrealistic romance typical of romance movies.

  1. Your own partner, just different

The good news is that the fantasies of men and women often involve their own partner – and not some pleasant-looking stranger – the fantasy is more about boosting the usual sexual activity together in these cases.

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So far the common points. At the same time, there are also fantasies that are more gender-specific. The most characteristic differences are the following:

  1. Same-sex sex for heterosexuals

Fantasies related to homosexuality can also appear in the case of those who identify as heterosexual, if only because it is increasingly likely that sexual orientation should also be thought of in terms of a spectrum – that is, there are few people who are black or white when it comes to this issue. In any case, it is certain that women who identify themselves as hetero fantasize about lesbian sex to a greater extent than men who define themselves as hetero fantasize about gay sex.

  1. Breaking with gender conventions

In this, men are ahead, presumably because we are less permissive about the forms of expression of men’s sexuality. While it is more “tolerated” by society for a woman to behave or dress more masculine, it is considered taboo for a man. Sexual fantasies (for example, dressing up in women’s clothes or acting like women) can help resolve this.

  1. Taboos

Taboo behaviors such as voyeurism often appear in men’s sexual fantasies, and voyeuristic and cheating fantasies are also common in their case.

  1. A mysterious object of desire

Women are more likely to fantasize about being unattainable objects of desire in a sexual relationship, who are harder to get. Men typically want to be the one to get that elusive trophy.

  1. More elaborate details

Women typically fantasize more elaborately, that is, they play a greater role in their imaginations so that they can imagine the background of each event as best as possible.

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