ANGER: The main weapon in the function of protecting our own needs with which we initiate change

They are always at our disposal, ever since our first contact with the world. Our first reaction is a feeling, followed by a piercing cry, which is the first sign that a new human being has inhabited planet Earth. The first sign of life that a baby gives is emotion.

Filip Stojković, psychological counselor, psychotherapist under supervision

Anger is one of the basic emotions and its main function is survival.

A baby, when it misses something, when it is hungry or thirsty, when it hurts or is hot, it cries, and that – angrily. If it were not there, no one would know that she needed something and therefore would not give it to her, and then she would not survive.

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When she rebels, everyone around her is on alert and everyone does everything they can think of to satisfy her need. Then she stops crying, getting angry, then there is a holiday for the ears because the alarm is no longer there.

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If anger is our authentic, natural human way of getting what we want, why not show it?

There are many reasons why people do not show anger.

In general, that feeling is not so socially desirable, because it is not pleasant for anyone. Neither to the one who suffers someone’s anger, nor to the one who gets angry. Because of the discomfort they feel, people often consider anger to be negative.

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But, if we stop and think, we will see that many things that are unpleasant are, in fact, very useful (such as studying, going to work, exercising…), and also many things that are pleasant to us, can be very harmful. (lazyness, non-compliance with obligations, postponing unpleasantness that will bring us benefit, etc.).

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In fact, unpleasant things are more often useful than pleasant things.

That is why there are more unpleasant feelings, because it is this unpleasantness that stimulates us to take action, since it makes us aware that something is not to our liking.

If anger is ignored, or sanctioned when we are young, it is very likely that we will conclude that it is better not to be angry because anger does not bring us the desired result.

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If we felt rejected or despised when we were angry with the authorities, it is certain that we will be afraid to express our anger because we will be afraid of loss, that people will leave us, reject us, that they will no longer want to be in a relationship with us.

That is why the fear of punishment, in any form (physical punishment, feelings of guilt or rejection), can be a sufficient reason to forbid anger.

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On the other hand, if too often we suffered inadequate anger from our parents or other important adults, or we observed their relationships and it seemed to us that anger is terrible, that it is maddening, destructive, humiliating, that it can destroy, injure or kill , it is likely that such a conclusion will be decisive for us to restrain that feeling in ourselves, either because we will think that we can be destructive, crazy and aggressive, or because we think that someone will respond to our anger in that way.

If we don’t get angry that the environment will know what we need or what bothers us, how will we stand up for ourselves and our needs?

Without anger, we will certainly survive as adults, because we are no longer children. Feelings in adulthood are not something you can’t survive without, but they are what quality of life suffers without.

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It’s the same with anger. We can live and survive, but that should not be enough, because there is a big qualitative difference between surviving and living.

Only by clearly and unambiguously letting others know that we don’t like something, that we don’t want something, that someone’s behavior endangers or disturbs us, can we stand up for ourselves and in that way improve our life, but not only life globally, but those segments of life which are related to other people, but also to ourselves.

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It is necessary and useful to be angry, at others and at ourselves, because by doing so, we admit to others, but first of all to ourselves, that something is not as we want, so that unpleasantness can stimulate us to change.

Yes, it is true that anger carries with it a certain risk when it is directed at others, because it can really happen that those others do not like it, so that in turn they can get angry, and then we can feel guilty, rejected, etc. .

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But then the question arises, why should my border bother anyone?

Probably because my lack of boundaries is in favor of the other. Then another question arises. Does that person care about me if they don’t care about my needs?

All in all, the stake is high.

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If I give up my anger, it is possible that I will gain someone’s (apparent) acceptance. But, do I really gain something from that, since I am giving up what I am and what I need?

Source: Sito&Rešeto by

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